i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
