I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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