I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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