Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
