I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
