This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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