so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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