someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
