i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
