I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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