is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
