and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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