Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
