I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
