If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
