I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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