god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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