i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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