Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so let's talk penis.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
