I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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