if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
