i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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