i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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