Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
