I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
