Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
