Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
