The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
