When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You ruined the universe
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
