I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Randomize
