Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
