I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
