My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Randomize
