i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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