I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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