you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize