My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I have feelings that need drinking.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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