Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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