just tell him i said nine months
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
