I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
