Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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