Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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