it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
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The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
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Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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