does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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