Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
