420 ftw
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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