The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
