I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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