Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
