I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We have started to decorate penises.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
