My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
