I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Gay?
German.
Pity.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
