Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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