im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
