My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
