my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
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