Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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