The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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