he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
