they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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