Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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