i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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